I finally wrote the essay I've been trying to write since February

And boy, does it feel good!

To prepare for this entry, I had to remember where I left off. It was January. 2024 was brand new. Madrid was freezing. My apartment was constantly leaking. I was sad because Christmas was too short (an unfortunate side effect of growing older). And I was constantly lamenting my lack of romantic connections in Madrid. I’d lament on school nights in bars over glasses of white wine and bowls of olives. Then, I’d wake up, teach a class or two, enter the café on my break, and start lamenting all over again. This time over un cafecito y un pincho de tortilla. I lamented on the metro, in the park, in line for the bathroom at the club. I could not stop talking about it.¹ But in my defense, it was a bit insane. Because how was it possible that I was young in a wonderful city to be young in and kissing no one? 

I’d had some very chaotic and unsuccessful crushes. The kind that make you feel so crazy that they simply must work out because if they don’t, you’ll have to stop trusting your intuition and second guess everything you believe to be true about what it feels like to like someone. And of course, these kinds of crushes don’t work out. So you’re left, lying in bed, scrolling past every tarot reading on TikTok as fast as possible.² Then, you listen to “Slut!” by Taylor Swift a couple of times on repeat followed by “Need 2” by Pinegrove, and call it a night. 

Since real-life romance was broken, I followed the natural course of 21st-century action and downloaded a dating app. As someone who wants to believe that it is still possible to make romantic connections in the real world, this felt like surrendering. Are we so bad at being human these days that we only know how to interact online? In my platonic relationships, this is not true. I am fully capable of meeting and making friends in the real world. Why can’t dating be the same? 

The more I lamented, the more I realized how many friends and friends of friends were feeling the same way. Maybe it was the pandemic. Our college experiences were cut short and forever changed. Maybe we missed some sort of how to meet someone cute at a party and hookup 101. Perhaps, the problem is that, like many of my friends, I went to a small liberal arts school. Maybe a state school would have encouraged me to attend more frat parties and to find average athletes more attractive. Maybe I was too picky. Maybe my mom let me watch too many romcoms at a formative age. Maybe there are statistically fewer straight men alive than straight women. Maybe they all already have girlfriends.³ 

But the thing was, stunted by the pandemic or not, my friends had all made it across the Atlantic to Madrid, where we established completely new friend groups and homes for ourselves in our second language. We were all brave enough to make the first move. Confident enough to make a good first impression. And also, we were hot. So what was the problem?

To be completely honest, I don’t have an answer. Everyone I know in a successful relationship (who did not meet at school) met on a dating app. I fear the only solution is regressing to 1990, long before the invention of the iPhone, when you had to listen to your music on a CD or even better, a cassette tape, and most importantly, you had to talk to people in person all the time no matter what. Unless you faxed them. Or wrote a letter. And while I would love to go back there, buy a magazine, and say, “Hello,” to the cute boy sitting next to me on the metro, I don’t have access to a time machine, and unfortunately, technology isn’t going anywhere. 

At the height of my lack-of-boyfriend lamentations, I started watching Sex and the City.⁴ The streaming gods conspired to release the series from its HBO Max prison and let us plebians with a Netflix subscription be illuminated by the glorious Carrie Bradshaw, Charlotte York, Miranda Hobbes, and Samantha Jones. 

It’s funny how media can influence certain phases of your life, how powerful characters can be if you encounter them right when you need them. Timing is everything. For example, I know many people who started watching the Gilmore Girls in college and couldn’t get into it. You have to meet Rory when you’re also in your teens. You meet her any later, and she’s insufferable. I know people who have tried to start a show, hated it, tried again later, and loved it. The same goes for music. Believe it or not, originally, I didn’t like Phoebe Bridgers. Then, I went through my first breakup and a global pandemic, and suddenly, her music became my lifeline. The same happened with Sex and the City. It entered my life at the perfect time. 

Watching the show made me realize that dating could be casual. Romantic connection didn’t have to involve a debilitating crush that drove you to TikTok tarot reading insanity. I mean if you’re modern-day Carrie chasing your Mr. Big, it does. But in Sex and the City, dating was always a spectrum. You could be Charlotte, who was simultaneously going on casual dates and manifesting a husband. Or you could be Samantha, embracing your sexuality until you stumble upon a true romantic connection. And then, there’s Miranda, our girlboss and chief, who the writers love to do dirty by making horrible things happen to her and Steve, but she’s proof that you can have your professional and romantic dreams come true. Of course, all the girls have their moments, where they feel like things won’t work out, and then, they do. And for some, they work out with many people in different phases, for different amounts of time. And for others, once they find their person, they make it work. 

What struck me about the show was how while finding a romantic partner could feel like life and death, it could also be extremely casual and fun. Some episodes the girls are with their long-term cross-episode or cross-season love interests. And some revolve around the girls seeing men they will date for a single episode. Miranda meets a guy in the elevator at her gym, they go out for dinner, and we never see him again. Maybe they had sex. Maybe they didn’t. You can’t remember because it’s inconsequential. Sometimes, the characters themselves don’t remember. Because for them, dating is fun. Sex is fun. Granted they’re in their 30s, and maybe these things felt more like life and death when they were my age, but still, it was inspirational! Revelatory! I could go on a date with someone and never see them again and not be completely wrecked by the experience? Earth-shattering. Why wasn’t I doing this more often?  

So, I decided to approach dating (both virtual and in the wild) with the carefree levity of Carrie Bradshaw and her friends. I exorcised the last of my insane crushes, and I went on a date. And it was bad. But! It wasn’t the end of the world because I got to experience the best part of dating on Sex and the City: the debriefs before and after with your friends. We all know and love Charlotte’s famous quote, “Maybe we can be each other’s soulmates. And then we could just let men be these great, nice guys to have fun with!” So cheers to that. And cheers to my friends. Because we’re in this fucked up 21st-century, electronic dating world together, rooting for each other, and crossing our fingers that one of these dates is finally going to work out. And if it doesn’t, we’re there in the café, on the other side of the phone, in the bar with the good wine and the olives waiting for each other.

Because we already found our soulmates. The men can wait.

As always, here is this week’s playlist:

1. “Tough Love” by Gracie Abrams. The second I heard her sing, “No chance I waste my 20s on random men / Not one of them is cooler than all of my friends,” I knew this song was a new favorite. The good news is that Gracie is currently wasting her 20s on Paul Mescal. Which is crazy of her. But like, yeah, I would, too.

2. “Either Way” by Odie Leigh. With every new song she releases, Odie Leigh knows exactly what to say. Listen to this song when you’re coming down with an insane crush. It won’t cure you, but it will make you feel better.

3. “I Was Neon” by Julia Jacklin. Ever since this album was released during the summer of 2022, this song has been my go-to oh-shit-I-think-I-have-another-crush song. Like Odie, Julia also always knows exactly what to say.

4. “All You Gotta Be When You’re 23 Is Yourself” by Free Cake For Every Creature. May this be my mantra for my last month of being 23.

5. “The Love Club” by Lorde. May we all find ourselves in the love club. And may everything glow for you.

xoxo, Maddie

P.S. I have exactly 100 subscribers. How cool is that? Thanks for reading. You’re the best.

1. Thank you to all who listened. You know who you are. I love you.

2. This particularly haunting genre of TikTok always appears when you are at your absolute worst, feeling absolute maximum amounts of crazy. They arrive just in time to tell you that your crush is still thinking of you, especially if you saw 11:11 that morning and consider tigers to be your spirit animal. Use this sound and spin around your room three times, and by tomorrow you will have your answer: they like you, too! In 2027, you’re getting married! It’s written in the stars! (As long as you like and repost this video in the next 30 seconds or you’ll be single and miserable forever.)

3. Often true if they are moderately hot and mostly normal, and for some reason, especially if they’re named Ben.

4. It should be noted that before I landed on Sex and the City, I read The Bell Jar… No wonder I felt crazy.